bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
