Betty ford says i'm here all night
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
