there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I would ride that face into the sunset
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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