New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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