I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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