and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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