mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
