The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
