My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
