i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
