two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.