I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
