i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?