my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
