I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
