I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
