Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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