This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
