I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
