Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
