Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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