I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
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I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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