im drinking this country out of the recession.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
