That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
