matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
