My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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