I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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