At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
