She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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