sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
