I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
