i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
another moral hangover. fuck.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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