I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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