when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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