My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
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I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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