I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
