On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
