I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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