I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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