So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
