I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
