96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
