im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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