hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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