Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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