it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
