He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
