my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
