apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
