Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
