glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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