Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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