I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize