its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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