What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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