My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
time to smoke my breakfast
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Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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