I cannot find my penis.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
