Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
