Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
