I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
